It’s not their fault, they are not who you want them to be

Have you ever been in a situation where someone or a group of people behave in a way that you find unacceptable? Maybe their behaviour is insulting, territorial or bitchy or it could be a number of different things or all of the above.

The natural reaction is to behave the same back, to degrade them in some way because effectively that’s what they’re trying to do to you. We instinctively react defensively because we feel there is some threat towards us but of course there is rarely, if ever, any physical harm to follow these anti social actions.

Spiritually we know that regardless of how someone treats us, our spirit is perfect and eternal. But we still need to live in the real world, we still need to deal with the situation at hand.

First and foremost, leave if you can. People behaving in a toxic manner can have a distressing effect on your emotional and physical energy, they can be draining.

Secondly, I always find this phrase neutralises how I’m feeling or the intensity of the feeling I’m experiencing: “It’s not their fault, they are not who I want them to be”. Repeat, “It’s not their fault, they’re not who I want them to be” and I would repeat it until I remember that I’m never angry or upset with someone, I’m upset with the story I’m telling myself about them. Whether they lived up to my expectations or not, it’s not their fault, they’re not who I wanted them to be.

I’d not thought about this technique for a couple of years, but as with all good coaches, the right technique pops into your head just when it’s needed. Try it out, let me know your thoughts, it’s pretty amazing,xx

8 thoughts on “It’s not their fault, they are not who you want them to be

  1. This past weekend I fully cut ties with my emotionally abusive stepmother. And I was really really angry. She was making it nearly impossible to “leave the room” but calling me, sending nasty text messages, and writing on my friend’s Facebook wall so I would see it. My dad reminded me that as long as I was angry her negativity would still have control over me but it’s so hard to let go after a decade of abuse. I will definitely keep this in mind.

    • Your Dad sounds like a very smart man, google ‘zooties youtube’ there is a great YouTube clip of a wonderful woman called Amanda Gore who talks about letting go of anger and embracing forgiveness (for our benefit, not theirs).

      Actually I love this clip so much I just went to watch it… Here it is

      I’m glad the post spoke to you, it’s one of my favourite tools, I genuinely just repeat it until it sinks into my head and neutralises the feeling,xx

  2. Hi Fiona, I just saw this post now, as I was away for two months, but going through your posts every day now. I found this one especially helpful – a mantra for bad situations. Thank you so much for this wonderful gift. Also, I would like to say that I love your blog. It gives me so much inspiration! Thank you!

    • Oh my gosh what a lovely thing to say ๐Ÿ™‚ that made me so smiley!!

      I’m so pleased ๐Ÿ™‚ so pleased that my writing touches your soul in a helpful way.

      I haven’t been writing as often since I returned from LA, but I can feel myself getting back into an expressive place.

      Where did you go for two months??xx

      • Don’t worry about not having written so much lately, that gave me time to catch up with your posts, haha. You are back from LA now? I wasn’t sure if you had moved there permanently.

        I went on a two months pilgrimage through North Spain. Maybe you have heard of the camino? I have just started my blog where I talk about my experiences –

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